me and a friend went to the mall and at the same time he got there. he was acting kinda weird and like i could tell what was going on but we hung out for a little but then he left and came back higher than fuck. it was awful but we werent with eachother haha. i knew that he was gunna the whole time and i dont know why. i can deal with people like that is fun/ny and stuff but like i couldnt see him like that it pissed me off. i was like shaking when we were by them and stuff and he didnt realize it. i dont know like it was blaah and i put into a bad mood. like i was all sad and stuff but i covered it up like always haa. ooh! in my dream last night he started to smoke right next to me and i grabbed my phone and walked away. i cant even deal with it in my dreams. he doesnt even realize it either. i havent talked to him since i saw him like that yesterday. im hurt and i dont get why. do i still like him? im not sure. its weird. like im hurt to see him but i want everything to be fine. its awful. but, everything will be okay eventually, right?

worst part is, he is my damn phone background. i know i should change it but something is keeping me from it. and i dont know why. 

well my life can crashing down and its been picking itself up but it is hard. ups and downs for sure. guys are swarming my head. drama is dripping out of my ears. my heart is slowly being stitched back up, but every stitch seems to be loose. i need to fucking buckle my shit down and get my head out of my ass. isnt that was originally got me into this mess? ive lost friends, ive made friends. people are two-face sons of bitches. i just want everything to be okay again. like always, that is too much to ask. ive hurt people, people hurt me, i hurt myself. nothing works anymore. every action has a reaction which always leads to hell. i need things to get better and fast. i had a thing for this one guy and now i dont want it anymore, its awkward, but he likes me and i screwed that up this weekend by making out with him twice. my best friend that means soooo much to me likes me too, and i thought things were good becuase i was sure that i liked him too. then he came back, right as i got over him. he doesnt deserve me, im too good for him. he hurts me even though he doesnt see it. it is under the surface. too hard for him to understand. i feel like im also slowly killing another amazing friend. he is always there for me no matter what i do. he listens to me and helps me through it all, and i feel like im hurting him too. i cant take hurting or disappointing or doing wrong to someone that means something decent to me. not this soon. not this much. not now. not ever. never. i want it all to blow away. i feel like my spirit is bleeding because it is like i destruct everything that i touch. what am i doing wrong? wait, let me answer that: everything you dumb fuck. open your eyes. youve hurt people because you have been too blinded with whatever managed to take your focus away for just enough time to cause everything to crumble. your family is tearing, your friends are leaving, enemies are growing stronger as you grow weaker. everything is ruined because you. you did this. there is no one else to blame but yourself. get your fucking head out of your ass douche back and fix what you fucked up. im sick of you.

youre always there for me. even when i left you. i broke your heart and  you still stayed to be there for me. and you stayed but choice. i dont see why someone would choose to stay with me and want to make me feel important. you mean more to me than you can imagine and you know what..thank you for staying because without you i would have realized that i still like you. i like you a lot and yeaah you think i have a little crush on you but it is more than that. you mean more to me than you realize. i wish there is some way i could repay you. some way to thank you. even if it is by choice , you still shouldnt have to deal with me at all. no one should. and when you say you dont want anything , there is something i want you to want. i want you to want me.

ive learned alot today and alot has happened. to sum it all up. dont trust anyone, they arent always who they appear to be.

*the title of this post is the ‘code name’ my friend gave the guy i like. 

yesterday i went to a party at my friends house. it was a halloween party and we watched the original friday the 13th. i stood in the back and was walking around and then i sat down on the floor. she(i love her but she was annoying me a bit) was flirting with you and my friends crush alot. i started to hurt but i wouldnt let it get to me. during the movie at one point i was looking down at my phone and you slid back and sat next to me. you had your arm around me for like 5 seconds and it was nice i just didnt get why you didnt keep it there. but it doesnt matter. after the movie my friend told me that you tried to do it but you kept chickening out (:. the movie ended and the host started to play stairway to heaven. i was just standing around and you asked me to dance and it made me soo happy i loved it. after the party once i left i texted you. my other friend took my phone and said “__________ i like you” i didnt get a responce for 10 minutes so i paniced and told him it was payback after he responded with oh. the last girl was was with(there was me and three other girls) was texting him. he said he was scared and that he guessed that he liked me. and i just didnt reply back. 5 minutes later he texted me i like you i just dont know if i want a girlfriend and i replied that i understood. we both got tired and he said mi about to crash and i said yeah im tired to. the last message he sent to me was “Ttyl. good night i guess” 
i guess?? i guess. oh whatever dont let it get to you. but it kinda did.

just dont let me think that i actually have a chance with you then take the tiny shimmer of happiness away from me. im gunna need all the happiness that i can take. (yeahh i have a good like just i feel totally beat up and worn down. i just dont feel too good anymore. but things will keep better so i will keep sticking it out there.) 

people will judge but i dont give a fuck. i have a new goal. i wanna learn to scream like they do in screamo. i wanna be able to sing all the way through songs that i love. and since that im pretty sure most people i know cant and dont know how to. i feel like it would seperate me from the other amazing singers(im not amazing but i love too) that i know and it would be a real talent to posses. i will be on my bucket list for sure.

im scared. i cant handle scary things if my life depended on it. i get scared just sitting there. i got invited to the same halloween party that you got invited to and we have been talking. i like you but you cant tell. you think you have no chance with me so you arent trying. im doing the best i can without trying to seem too attached. ill do anything to get you to understand even if it means loosing sleep for months and being so scared i can barely go five minutes without stressing if im being folowed or something stupid. but ill do it if it means having you by my side.

i got invited to one of my friend’s halloween partys! it isnt the first time i have been invited i just never went because i cant stand scary movie and i get scared soo easily. this year i am going. we are gunna watcha  scary movie. im getting over him but i heard that you are going. an ex of mine that has always had a uber tiny piece of me. is this a chance to get closer to him..i hope. i wanna get over him and stop hurting. i wanna feel good about myself again. maybe you can fix that..